10 years...

10 years seem like just yesterday...All the pain from the past kept on coming back as if the old scar is being sratched off to make me bleed to death.

I would give anything just to feel your warm embrace...Just to feel your love again...Just to hug you tight...


Everytime I see those people being showered with the kind of love I hunger for, I slowly die of envy...
How I wished so bad to be on their place... to mend this heart that is left so empty...
Those ten years that I slowly embraced the reality of your parting...seems not enough to heal the wounds and wash away my agony.



Mama, there's a lot of things I would like to tell you..So many things I could not share to anyone else but you...
Things I'd rather keep to myself than tell anyone...
Things that makes my head spin, that only you, can understand within.


Are you proud of me?
Are you happy to see me grow as a woman who became strong even when you left me?
Are you amazed by how I survived in this world and struggled  to live for my brothers?


Ma, I am not that strong... not only once or twice did I think of ending my life because I was too weak to bear all the pain...

But I'm glad to still be alive.




Even now, I'm still enduring everything.
And I know that a big part of it, is because of you.


I may not be the  perfect daughter in the world.... But in my heart, I'll forever perfectly keep a huge space for you...

I love you so much, Ma...

Happy 48th birthday... T_T

Eureka!

These past few weeks, I kept on thinking about what the purpose of my existence is...
And now, I suddenly found an answer.
The answer to some, but not all the million questions in my mind.
Like "How do you find the right reasons to smile?"
I guess it's the APPRECIATION.
A feeling of being appreciated and being able to make people see your worth.

New life- No more.

I stopped to breathe for a while...
As I stared blankly at the sky..
I've just been so lonely all these years...
My eyes are only filled with nothing but tears...



My life has been so dark til this day.
Not even a glimpse of  sunlight can pass through a way.
Like it's doomed with sadness forever.
Like a bird that cannot chirp a sound, but it just began to quiver.



No fragrant breeze can capture a sleeping soul
Like a luscious feast prepared but still starving for another bowl
A spot of hope is nowhere to be found.
Should I give up now or struggle for another round?


What could it possibly be?
I'm blinded by the pain that's killing me.
I can no longer trust myself if I can still endure this.
How can I fight for a life when now I only find it meaningless.

Asian Adventure Slideshow

Asian Adventure Slideshow Slideshow:  ★ Asian Adventure Slideshow Slideshow ★

Mail to Heaven

Dear God,


Why do I always feel so incapable of helping my friends in times of distress? :'(


Can you please enlighten me?


Thank you in advance.




It's me,
Your avid follower

Prose of the Heart

Either having the endurance to sustain or  the ability to conceal the emotions inside of me,
Is the kind of battle between my mind and heart which can no longer be contained nor be set free.
And yet I know this must vanish or let myself die with ambiguity.
With the gravity of the consequences I can no longer hide nor handle even my integrity.




As it goes with the words "believing" and "dreaming" for in my opinion is never alike.
But now, it's as if they are inseparably gleaming as the truth beholds, and it never was a lie.
Crafted by despair,  as it abandoned me while I was unaware that it wasn't a blissful dream but rather a nightmare that seems it could never finish.
Then I got myself completely awake as it goes through my consciousness, it gradually diminished.




I took a deep breath as I let my spirit out just like music, playing as I beat the crease.
As I now begin to touch my heart while hearing it thumpin' a thousand times like it will never stop.
You might be thinking how was I able to endure all these pain?
Because in the first place I knew that you were never mine nor will you look at me like sunshine.
Then I weep, cried and fainted in sorrow--almost letting myself drop.
Realizing all of this since the day my heart was broken into pieces.




And now, after all this time, I could say that life's obstacles moulded me to become a stronger person.
Inch by inch, I crawled with those goals I seek and hunger.
But how come when the lights go dim, I stay at a dark corner and it all ends up to be you-and only you, who I long for.




I'm not so glad to be the only one...
This is not what I intended to happen.
Seems like a jinx just stole all the happiness I could've gotten.
I might have just fooled myself but this certainly did not keep me laughin'.




Now I find this feeling so despicable.
I know for a fact that this leads to nothing.
Either I give up or end up losing something.
Including the love of a friend who, for me, means everything.

10 years without you...

How I envy them a lot...
Deep inside of me is a broken heart...
How I hardly wish I had the same smile;
Like those good old days when you were still alive.


I thought I could live my life happily.
But with each day, I am being reminded of the times we were together --acting so carefree.
I'm dying to tell you all the stories of my adventures.
And wished I have the chance to go home for me to share to you my laughters. 


You were my very best friend since the beginning of my existence.
To you I open up every piece of my failures and success.
You were my great fan even though I look up to you more than  anyone else.
You always cheer me up in times when  nobody could ever understand.




I know I wasn't the perfect daughter for you.
But you kept me motivated to reach my dreams, saying " In yourself you must believe".
You were always so proud of me, no matter what I do.
You never made me feel inferior about the things I can hardly achieve.





10 years without you, Ma...
It's killing me everytime I think of it.
I can't suppress all the tears in my eyes...
And each of those moments, I feel the pain like it's anew.






Happy Mother's Day, Ma!
10 years without you.... But you never fail to inspire me.
I love you...and FOREVER will do.








P.S.  I just hope all the people who are lucky enough to still be with their moms, will cherish and forever be grateful to the most special woman in our lives. This one is also dedicated to all mothers whom I look up to.
My heartfelt thanks goes to my grandma- Lola Alice, who served as my second mom after Mama's death.  As well to my aunts who continued to support me and believed in me in spite of my shortcomings. I love you all! :)

Realities of LIFE

Would there ever be FAIRNESS in this world?
As I always hear (and experience).... Life is indeed, UNFAIR.
Sad, but so TRUE.


Other people might just see you not as a person but just merely something to be used of.
Like a milking cow that they can suck up for all of it's nutrients without any limit.
Like a bank where they can draw out unlimited number of transactions without investing not even a single cent for a deposit.
Like a robot with no emotion--not even a chance of dropping a tear in the eye.
Like a plain dumb creature that's so helpless and left without any choice or option.


Now, what could this possibly mean?
Am I destined to be toyed around, looked down, or treated as an accessory?
For until this day, I don't completely understand the mystery that is still covering my fate.
Where do I begin?
And where do I end?


Life is starting to get gloomy and gloomy each day.
Is it worth fighting for?
Is it so precious to cherish a life that has existed in a complicated way?
Struggling to survive all the trials that I am facing.
But if I cannot take this anymore, then, I'll end up being just like everyone else--a LOSER.
Or rather be someone that's brittle enough to scatter...like a glass that is easy to break--a FAILURE.


Seems like there's no end to this...unless,  I END it myself.
We'll see how it goes.

Unsung Plea

If only I could, I would... shout to the world  how much I love you.
If only I could, I would... embrace you each day with the warmth of my heart.
If only I could, I would... not let you feel any sadness as I would catch all your suppressed tears and turn them into smiles.
If only I could, I would...take away your pain and sorrow so you will not have any worries.
If only I could, I would...be at your side--night and day, be your shelter with all my might.
If only I could, I would... watch the stars as they sparkle above the sky--in the midst of the darkness, I will let myself be your never-ending light.
If only I could, I would...fight for you, no matter what it takes, whatever battle it may be , wherever it may lead me.


If given a chance..and if you wouldn't ignore me, I will really say what my heart speaks out for ... all of this... if only I could.  But I don't have the courage to tell it straight to you,  face to face.


Then instead, let it be my unsung plea.

Byul

Param-kyori cha-ngeu-heun-teul-go
Nae kiman-han cha-gun naye bang wi-ro
Arum-taun-ke pyul-bit-durun
Kaduk chae-wo-chuneyo
Sel-su-obshi manhunt pyul-tu-reun
Ji-chyo-in-nun na-reul oru-man-chimyo
Nae mam-soge katok tamun
Nun-mul tak-ka shu-neyo
Man-hyi apa-ha-ji-ma
Nal kkung anun-chae
Tado-kyojumyo chal-jara
Wero-hae ju-neyo
Goshi mo-thal man-kum
Hime gyowa apa-wado
Nun-muri a-peul kar-yowado
Gatchi-mothan nae sarang apedo
Na usul-lae-yu
Cham-shira-do gyote
Haeng-bo-khaet-don giok-turul
Ga-sume gan-ji-khal-kkeyo
Tunune sunoh-a-jin
Cho pyol-deul-cho-rom yongwonhi
Kkumul kku-deut taka-uneyo
Yu-nu-nhi-do balkun naye byol hana
Nunbu-shi-mi panjja-gimyo
Okkae-wiro naer-yo-wa
Jakku sulpo-hajima
Son kkong chabun-chae
Nal manchyo-jumyo
Tta-seu-hi nal kamssa-shu-neyo
Goshi mo-thal man-kum
Hime gyowa apa-wado
Nun-muri a-peul kar-yowado
Gatchi-mothan nae sarang apedo
Na usul-lae-yu
Cham-shira-do gyote
Haeng-bo-khaet-don giok-turul
Ga-seum-soge gan-chikhal-kke-yo
Tunune sunoh-ajin
Cho pyol-deul-chorom ooohhhh
Na onul-manun anu-royu
Nun-muri kadokchowado
Chogi cho byol-deul-chorom
Na u-seul-lae-yo ooohhhh
Haeng-bokhaet-don giok-modu
Ga-sume gan-ji-khal-kkeyo
Tunune sunoh-a-jin
Cho pyon-deul-cho-rom
Yongwonhi

Thanks, Bro!

Dear God,

You really have heard all my prayers... It's just that You don't simply answer all of them at one time. Though I know I can't have all of those in a snap... But, I'm so grateful to You (as always) for hearing my petitions. I am truly thankful as You constantly shower me with Your blessings...I may not be Your ever obedient follower but in You, I entrust my life.


Thank you Lord! ^_^

Just one of those many days...

If I'm gonna ask myself as to what am I good at, I would think of the word.... pretending.


Yes, all my life, I've been struggling to survive and be an expert when in comes to independency.
It flatters me whenever I hear my friends and acquaintances say that I'm a tough woman.
I've been through a LOT.
Trials, frustrations, failures, rejection, and betrayal... to name a few.
However, I consider them as part of the challenges in life.


Some people come and go...some people will stay til the end, and some people will just pass by to teach you valuable lessons in life.
Experiences which will mold your personality and make you somewhat invincible.
But no matter how strong these challenges have made me become who I am... still,to no avail,  there's a weak part of me that supersedes my drive for this battle-- emotion.


If it's my birth month (February) or my birth year (Year of the Rabbit) is to blame, that, I do not know.
It's sickening to think that despite the hardships and sufferings I've familiarized myself with, in just one snap of this stupid emotion, it'll just break me down.
And with that, how I feel sorry for myself to be defeated of  my utmost willpower to strive for my existence. In the end, I will still be the one to reap all the failures.


I can't count on how million times I tried to fake a smile-or I guess, tried my very best to cover the pain so that it won't be too obvious to other people about what I am going through.
Many times, I've thought of destroying myself as I've come to the ultimate peak of giving up.
Many nights, I've wondered how far will I ever tolerate this.



It's so hard to keep on forcing myself to be happy.
Because the truth is, I am more than being empty and filled with sadness.
Feels like the whole world is pointing its fingers at me.
Blaming me and only myself for being miserable.



I've tried to scream alone as no one will and no has surely heard of me.
I've cried a river of tears, knowing that it could somehow ease the burden in my heart.
I'm getting tired of fighting.
I'm getting tired of pretending that I am okay-because I'M NOT.  :'(